Journal

How To Find The One

Look for the person that makes you want to be nothing else but yourself.

Look for the person that makes you want to share with them not only all the wonderful things, memories and feelings in your life but also all of your quirks, troubles, worries, bad feelings and memories.

Look for the person that makes you feel like you don’t need to move an inch and they will love you all the same.

Look for the person that makes you feel like you can move a thousand miles and they would love you even more each passing day.

Look for the person that you would love even if they stayed the same and never achieved anything more.

Look for the person that you would love even if they changed their mind about what their purpose was a thousand times.

Look for the person that makes you feel like home.

Look for the person that makes you feel like you somehow suddenly understand. You just know that everything is alright and it can’t be any other way because when you truly know there’s no doubt.

You may look for them a long time or maybe you’ve already given up or sometimes you just make a wish, wait quietly and they come to you.

However it happens, the only way to find them is to start looking for yourself. Who you want to be, what you really like, what story you’d like to tell, what you want to create, to give, to feel, to get, what and who you love.

That is learning to love. And by this learning you’re looking for them. And you find them.

The One

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Knowing

I know now that I can’t actually really know someone.

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I think I know them but then they don’t understand me, I don’t understand them and all that’s left is silence. Nothing.

I stood there, no words could come out of me. Because of the nothing.

In that moment there was nothing. We stood there looking into each other’s eyes but I saw nothing. I had just a vague memory and no hope. But in the present there was nothing to say nothing to do, nowhere to move. I felt like my body imprisoned me, I felt like nothing I would do or say would mean anything. So I stood there. Nothing.

Only later I felt something. The moments of guilt and regret replaced the moments of sadness.

But those were just moments, the underlying numbness I feel is like a still water. Like it was my nature. But there’s always something missing. Something that would give that water direction. Some unknown force that gives you the sense of knowing. The sense of understanding. Understanding the heart and knowing other hearts.

But I’m on my way. It’s me who can change that. It’s me who has the power to move the water and create a stream. But until I get there, I know I can’t really know anyone. And that’s all right.

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Lucy

lucyI’ve always loved black cats. While others spat when they saw a black cat pass in front of them, I always smiled and felt it was the sign that everything was going all right.

When we decided to give home to a cat, I didn’t realise at first that that was finally it. We were going to live with this amazing being full of love. But what else I did not realise was that not only we were choosing her, also she was choosing us.

When we looked at the photos of the cats we were going to choose from, all three of us – my mum, sister and me – agreed: “The black one.”

Her name was Lucy. Even the name was perfect. We couldn’t choose a better name for her ourselves.

As I look on this past year with her, I appreciate her more and more every day. She makes us so happy with her presence.

I love the way her fur smells. I like how when she’s hungry she always comes meowing to me, because I’m the one that feeds her most often. I like how she turns one ear to the side when she hears something. I love how adorable she looks in the evening when it’s dark and her eyes are wide and big. I like that she always finds something worth exploring, even if it is in the same place. I laugh when she jumps on a chair with so much speed, that she moves it across the room.

And as she’s lying in my lap purring and closing her eyes, I know that she appreciates me too.

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The Rain

Today I fell in love with the rain. He’s inviting, not pushing. He’s telling me: “You are free. Free to choose. Free to express your love in whatever way you feel like.”

I can be inside. With the open window just watching him and breathing the fresh fragrant air. Resting.  Just feeling.

Or go out and greet him. Meet with him. Let him kiss me.

So funny we used to be enemies. He was always irritating me with his dark humor when showering me and I was always frowning at him. I didn’t realize they were the showers of love. I just didn’t know his love language. The expression of his love is beautiful and so diverse.  I love the music he makes on the window sill, I love his fragrance of earth and wood forest .

And I love that he is always cool. With everything. Never complaining. Just being here for me.

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Who am I..

03Who am I to judge what will be right for you? I am not  you. I allow you to take the path in your life that will please your soul, that will make your heart sing. I love you so much that I trust that your way is the best possible one for you. I can show you my way. But you can choose what bits and pieces fit also to your puzzle. Which ones we have in common.
Any of us can share their journey with other but it is so because we both agreed. I cannot make anyone else follow my path just because of my own belief resulted from my own experience.

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Me and I

11For everyone else it’s Friday. The day of final freedom from stress and working or studying. For me it’s a day just like any other. I “should” feel always free now. Because I finally decided. There’s no coming back. So then, what is this feeling? Or is it really a feeling? The one that sounds like: “Who do you think you are? You! You dare to try to make it? You? Don’t make me laugh…”

I realised I’m two people, just like everyone is, I guess. Two people. One is always trying-doing-saying something… “I need to worry now because the situation’s looking unsafe.” The situation’s looking unsafe because it’s new. Different.

“This is an interesting situation. I feel it’s going to lead me somewhere exciting.” That is the second person. Observing and cheerful. I need to embrace and love both of me. I want to work together with myself. I need to be friends with myself to be truly free.

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Who is me?

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Who is me?

What am I trying to lie myself into?

Those judging eyes of a stranger looking back at me from the mirror..

It’s just not possible to master every skill.
So stop being so hard on yourself. Yes, you. Frowning at me in the mirror.

In the idea of perfection I often forget how easily everything is supposed to go. I did not come here to struggle. I came here to thrive. And the only way to start doing that is to start loving the parts of me that are creating, that are making me excited and enthusiastic about life. I’m looking forward to every moment of inspiration, excitement, light and epiphany. Because those are the moments I can bounce from to more happiness. =)

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I Always Knew It

And then I knew it.
I wanted to see and experience and know those amazing worlds. Worlds where the sounds were vibrant and colours pure . Where the clouds in the sky always brought beautiful images. Where sounds were the tones of piano and chimes and the chirp of birds. Sounds were images and images were flavours.

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The worlds in my dreams and the worlds in my thoughts. Those which were too courageous to think. Those which my mind almost forgot.

I wanted to replace my world, where the colours were dull, sounds too loud and buildings too tall. Where on the 12B floor people with foggy minds were shouting at each other.

With the worlds where the me is also the you.

I want to paint, to always add and never complete the picture from my thoughts, those which were too weird to think. All those which I thought and then forgot. All those which came to me after my dreams in crystals. Those which I found under my pillow each morning.

I know I can make these worlds real. I know i can make them right here. Now.

And I always knew it…

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Happy New Year!

 

Happy  New Year to everyone!

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I’d like to post here some of my photos I took this year and didn’t have a chance to publish anywhere. So here they are…

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Continue reading

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Hello everyone!

Hi! This is exciting. Starting my own blog. 😉

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